Irony is hating love

Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Hateful Thoughts

I was excited to go back to school. I loved it and I still do. The school part that is. Odd...that someone would actually like school more then living away from home, that a girl would rather be in class or working on homework then be at her apartment. The fact is I utterly hate it. I hate where I live. I dont hate WHO I live with....but as many people know there are friends in life you love and care for but that are better to be kept with slight distance. I feel that way about 3 of the 5 other girls I live with. And that makes it hard. As hard as I try the little things DO and WILL bug/get to me. Something as simple as doing ones own dishes, or putting your dryer lint in the trash can instead of a foot next to it. Its called responsibility. Your 19 almost 20. Dishes and taking out the trash isn't that hard, and its a responsibility to be shared between the 6 people....yet I feel like im doing it all alone. I know I tend to act like a motherly figure but im not your mother. Why should I wash dishes everyday that arnt mine, take the trash out every other day thats filled with trashed shared through out the apartment, pick up after you, tell you to take your pills, hold your weed because you fear youll loose it, lock up every time after someone comes in or leaves, whipe the counters, vaccume, get on my hands and knees and scrub the bathroom floors.....Im not a maid. Yet I cant wait forever for you to figure out how to be an adult, I like to live in cleanliness. Why doesn't anyone listen to my feelings?.....is it really so much to ask?

A couple of days ago I got into a pety arguement with my friends boyfriend. I simply asked him not to touch my things without asking, that I would appreciate it. And apparently that was to much and to mean for him to handle. In a nut shell, he tried to have me jumped/hurt/killed a number of things. After a number of hurtful texts he sent me I told my friend I didn't want him in the apartment anymore.
(And may I just say. He was here about 90% of the time. Used our facilities, ate our food, I cooked for him, I was hospitable to him, I delt with being kept from my room often because they wanted space and privacy, I didn't complain once, didn't rag on him, make him do anything such as dishes or take out the trash even though he was here, I let him use some of my things. I treated him like a real guest)
She understood but is very hurt by the decission. Though he wouldn't leave me alone. He tried to appologize, just so I would be fine and have him come back and be the same exact way. Why would I want someone who blatantly hates me in the apartment with me all the time, regardless of being my friends bf? I didn't accept it. Its not his or her decission/s alone for him to be here. Its everyone who lives here, and I wasn't the only one who didn't want him here anymore. He wasn't very happy with that. So like I said he tried to "off" me as people say. But she stopped him. He's not alowed on this property anymore but my friend is in a bad situation, in my opinion. And it hurts that she still loves someone who tried to kill one of her supposud"best friends".
To choose between a friend and a boyfriend is often a hard decission for most girls. And thats not at all what I want her to do, I know he makes her happy. Its the fact that I dont think he's right for her and I worry about her and her future, alot of her friends do. When I tried to explain this to her it didn't work out to well. In a nut shell theres tension between my room mate and I. That adds to my number of unhappy problems with being here......ive never wanted to go home so badly, and not just to see bear but to be in a room by myself, to have dinner with my parents, to drive my car, to take a bath(the bathtubs upstairs which im not allowed to really use =\ ) to visit my brother and sister in law, so go see my dad at work during the day, to bring bear my leftovers, to take a walk in my neighboorhood and actually feel SAFE, to watch all the leaves turn in fall, to smell fresh air, to be HOME.
I really hate it here, and again not school, not my classes or teachers or homework load or students. My living situation. But to hate your living situation then makes school hard, even if it was fun an easy before. Tonight I tried to do some homework, not due for a week but still hw, and I couldnt do it. My mind nor heart was in it. My thoughts are all over the place, I couldn't concentrate at all. And not only is that not good but I hate it. I hate not being able to do homework that I was really excited to work on or to force myself to do hw and it end up being terrible. Thats not good for me or my future.

All I want is to be happy, I wouldn't be completely happy because Bear is still 8 hours away, but as happy as I can be while im living here.....is that REALLY alot to ask? To be happy with myself and my life....

Apparently it seems that way.

The Goings Good

/
So just wanted to say that everything is good pretty good now. Bears good and im good :) His birthday was last Sunday and it was good. I ordered him some chucks, which should be in soon.

Ive started drawing again, finished the Coraline Button badges :) and my head base is almost done. Just need to add to the cheeks and put ears on. Then ill do the teeth/mouth and eyes before I fur it.

8 days until my brothers wedding*squee*im his fiance's bridesmaid :D Im very excited! Ill finally have a sister(by marage) and i love her to pieces <3

Then 2 days after the wedding I go back to school. I got my supplies for my classes :D im excited to go back, I love school and I miss all my friends <3

A little better

A little better for bear anyway. My night wasn't the greatest, he was all I could think and worry about which didn't get me any sleep at all. So today was one of those blobby days, as I call it. Tired, lazy, sad in general, ya know those icky days. Well he's been staying positive anyway, which is good. We tried jello and for whatever reason it didn't work as regular jello but when it melted he could put the pill in the jello and swallow it whole. Dunno why melted jello did it but it did. So he's using that method and its going good. His stupid mother didn't call the doctor though and if she doesn't tomorrow then I fucking will. God she's just not ment to be a mother, can't even get him something so simple as juice at the grocery store...but I wont go into that, it gets me so angry.

So in other news mother is gone a conferance to FL for the week. So ill finally be able to acompany bear in the sleeping department, which I never get to do. Im almost 19 and he'll be 20 and she wont let me stay over his house U_U Mother=FAIL! She knows I have sex with him....so why the hell does it matter? Well ill never know I guess. My pops understands and he doesn't mind, he trusts me and knows I wont do anything stupid. Then again he also likes my bf unlike my mother *rolls her eyes*...god that woman makes me so angry.

Fearing the Future

so I know I haven't posted in a while. Been kinda boring lately, not much to say. But now I do have something going on, serious in my book. To keep a long story short Bear went to the hospital this morning....turns out he has Crohn's disease. For those of you who don't know what it is its basically a disease associated with your gastrointestinal tract. Its hereditary and not curable but treatable with meds. Its pretty much a stomach sickness that causes alot of diarrhea and vomiting and pain in the abdomen. (If you want to know more just search it in wiki) But he needs a colonoscapy and to take pills. But he can't swallow pills so ive been trying to help him today with different methods. I can't with water and crushing them is horrible, tried it in applesauce and it was HORRIFIC! (I tried it myself) We're going to try to put it in solids tomorrow, like banana chunks.

Ive never seen him so unhappy before....its so hard to bare....I honestly wish I could have it to so I know how he feels...so he's not alone, thats how much I love this boy.

I feel so useless in this situation. I can't do anything to help...so therefore I can't make his stomach pain stop....and so he's still unhappy. I know that Crohn's isn't fatal, thankfully, and when he went to the hospital for abdominal pain thinking it was an apenasitus but it wasn't. So he didn't have to get his apendix removed. But still....Crohn's is awful until your on steady meds, which even then don't completly get rid of the symptoms.....I just hope that putting the pills in sold foods like a banana will work. He's going to need to take pills for the rest of his life to prevent it from getting worse. I won't just sit around and let nothing happen, because god knows his mom doesn't care.

Well besides that ive starting making my first fursuit head, only got some of the base done though since bears been sick. Ive also made my pattern for the squid-cat from Coraline im going to make and I have lots of good art ideas im making sure to write down so I don't forget. Especially my Coraline badge idea, they'll be complete with button eyes of your color and everything.

This week is also bears birthday, the 16th. *sighs*unfortunatly we were hoping for something better as in not getting Crohn's disease but hopefully he'll feel better by the weekend. I just hate that ill have to leave in less then a month....im just so affraid he wont be taken care of well. He even said today "...you just care about me more then I care about myself." *sighs* he deserves so much better then what he's gotten in life so far.....I just hope and wish so much that it will only get better. I know I make him happy but I want to give him a better life then he's had so far and ill do anything I can to do it.

....I just want my bear happy and healthy....I didn't think that was alot to ask for....but so far..I was wrong...U_U

COUCH POTATO!

So I just wanted to say real quick that lately I have been doing nothing which results in gaining weight(for me) which results in eating more and doing more of nothing which results in gaining more weight and so on and so forth...and basically...its making me sad :(

But thats why I haven't posted anything lately.....because im a COUCH POTATO! *cue epic music* 0_0...yea im trying to work on that by walking at least an hour a day like I ust to ....then again that was when I was depressed so I didn't really want to do anything but walking at least got me out of the house, IE sleeping.

But yea just felt like saying that aaaaaand now I have to go collect my change, im visiting coin star today :D

Being A Hurtful Hypocrite

hyp⋅o⋅crite /ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hip-uh-krit] Show IPA –noun

1.	a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2.	a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

...Unfortunately...im one of those people. But unlike many hypocritical people at least I can admit that I am one. I honestly feel everyone is a hypocrite with some things or at some points in there life, but everyone has a different place on the Hypocritical Scale. Im trying to lower myself on that scale and be better about things, because ive realized that alot of things hurt when it happens to me yet I know I do or have done those things to others.
I was left tonight....so now im alone with nothing to do but write in my blog about pointless and meaningless things. I could go on complaining about how I was left for a party with people not known or complained about and most likely alot of drugs and alcohol....but whats the point on that. I know ive left him and other people for other things before. Which is why thats just one thing im a hypocrite about....though I don't think I ever was with him and planned on being with him then all of a sudden got invited to hang out or go to a party and just left him alone.....whatever....well 9PM and all ive done is cry for almost 2 hours and write, when I know theres other things I could be doing...I hate knowing I have things to do but have no motivation or energy to do them.

But on another note, ive been sick lately. A heavy cold or allergies, whatever. Either way I don't care for it much. Its gotten better, atm im dealing with fluid in my brain though. So I either can't hear out of one ear and its so bad to the point that my head starts to pound or every time I move my jaw I can hear the fluid moving, which is also annoying. My cough is mostly gone, as well as my soar throat and post nasel drip, so I don't really have to blow my nose as much. Hope fully within the next day or two ill be back to my normal self.

I fucking hate fluid in my ears....

This Thing

So....Ive realized, a little bit ago now, that ive developed this thing.

Without intention or noticing for who knows how long, after, ive been tightly clenching my jaw. Not really grinding my teeth or anything just clenching my jaw closed. Im not really sure when I started this, how long ive been doing it, or when I came to notice it but im pretty sure its not a good habit to get into :\

Im pretty certain it came to be from stress. But my question is...how would I go about stopping it. Since im not in school anymore and I don't have things such as homework and grades and whatnot to worry about then I shouldn't be as stressed, or stressed at all. I don't think I am but yet I still find myself doing it on occasion. And lock jaw...would not be good.



Bear wants to watch the Titanic with me.....is there something wrong with this picture?

A good idea from a good friend :)

So today I saw and hung out with some friends from my home(where I am now) And in the morning while sitting with my closest there was mention of her blog. Well I got to thinking and after reading some of her entry's I decided to make one.

Ive always loved to write, yet was terrible at keeping a journal/diary. I have millions of things that cloud up my head that I wish I could transfer somewhere safe. I take my lappy almost everywhere, and am always checking and/or on it. I go to collage 8 hours away from my family and friends( even though ive made new and amazing friends within my first year :3 ) so I carry alot of stress, anxiety, pain, heartsickness, and all around depression on my shoulders because of that reason alone. I often times get myself in trouble by saying things that I shouldn't, because it sits in my mind for quite sometime. It takes me at least an hour to get to sleep every night because I can't stop thinking.

I feel that hopefully this will help solve some of those problems. Thank you Violet :) <3