I was excited to go back to school. I loved it and I still do. The school part that is. Odd...that someone would actually like school more then living away from home, that a girl would rather be in class or working on homework then be at her apartment. The fact is I utterly hate it. I hate where I live. I dont hate WHO I live with....but as many people know there are friends in life you love and care for but that are better to be kept with slight distance. I feel that way about 3 of the 5 other girls I live with. And that makes it hard. As hard as I try the little things DO and WILL bug/get to me. Something as simple as doing ones own dishes, or putting your dryer lint in the trash can instead of a foot next to it. Its called responsibility. Your 19 almost 20. Dishes and taking out the trash isn't that hard, and its a responsibility to be shared between the 6 people....yet I feel like im doing it all alone. I know I tend to act like a motherly figure but im not your mother. Why should I wash dishes everyday that arnt mine, take the trash out every other day thats filled with trashed shared through out the apartment, pick up after you, tell you to take your pills, hold your weed because you fear youll loose it, lock up every time after someone comes in or leaves, whipe the counters, vaccume, get on my hands and knees and scrub the bathroom floors.....Im not a maid. Yet I cant wait forever for you to figure out how to be an adult, I like to live in cleanliness. Why doesn't anyone listen to my feelings?.....is it really so much to ask?
A couple of days ago I got into a pety arguement with my friends boyfriend. I simply asked him not to touch my things without asking, that I would appreciate it. And apparently that was to much and to mean for him to handle. In a nut shell, he tried to have me jumped/hurt/killed a number of things. After a number of hurtful texts he sent me I told my friend I didn't want him in the apartment anymore.
(And may I just say. He was here about 90% of the time. Used our facilities, ate our food, I cooked for him, I was hospitable to him, I delt with being kept from my room often because they wanted space and privacy, I didn't complain once, didn't rag on him, make him do anything such as dishes or take out the trash even though he was here, I let him use some of my things. I treated him like a real guest)
She understood but is very hurt by the decission. Though he wouldn't leave me alone. He tried to appologize, just so I would be fine and have him come back and be the same exact way. Why would I want someone who blatantly hates me in the apartment with me all the time, regardless of being my friends bf? I didn't accept it. Its not his or her decission/s alone for him to be here. Its everyone who lives here, and I wasn't the only one who didn't want him here anymore. He wasn't very happy with that. So like I said he tried to "off" me as people say. But she stopped him. He's not alowed on this property anymore but my friend is in a bad situation, in my opinion. And it hurts that she still loves someone who tried to kill one of her supposud"best friends".
To choose between a friend and a boyfriend is often a hard decission for most girls. And thats not at all what I want her to do, I know he makes her happy. Its the fact that I dont think he's right for her and I worry about her and her future, alot of her friends do. When I tried to explain this to her it didn't work out to well. In a nut shell theres tension between my room mate and I. That adds to my number of unhappy problems with being here......ive never wanted to go home so badly, and not just to see bear but to be in a room by myself, to have dinner with my parents, to drive my car, to take a bath(the bathtubs upstairs which im not allowed to really use =\ ) to visit my brother and sister in law, so go see my dad at work during the day, to bring bear my leftovers, to take a walk in my neighboorhood and actually feel SAFE, to watch all the leaves turn in fall, to smell fresh air, to be HOME.
I really hate it here, and again not school, not my classes or teachers or homework load or students. My living situation. But to hate your living situation then makes school hard, even if it was fun an easy before. Tonight I tried to do some homework, not due for a week but still hw, and I couldnt do it. My mind nor heart was in it. My thoughts are all over the place, I couldn't concentrate at all. And not only is that not good but I hate it. I hate not being able to do homework that I was really excited to work on or to force myself to do hw and it end up being terrible. Thats not good for me or my future.
All I want is to be happy, I wouldn't be completely happy because Bear is still 8 hours away, but as happy as I can be while im living here.....is that REALLY alot to ask? To be happy with myself and my life....
Apparently it seems that way.
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